Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Cackle's Academy
by PenultimateAltercation
Summary: A humourous list of things no longer allowed at Cackle's Academy.
1. Chapter 1: The First 250

**Welcome to the list of Things I am not allowed to do at Cackle's Academy, courtesy of those of us over at the First Worst Witch Forum. **

**Contributors to this ongoing effort include myself, NextChristineDaae, Pixel and Stephanie Forever, chocomoon, HB's Favourite, Aleksandra Hardbroom, decat and Princess Sammi. All of whom are amazing people that I'm glad to have met.**

**Rated T for innuendo and references to illegal drugs. **

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><p>1. Harry Potter is a fictional book series. I am not to continually ask Miss Cackle if she has met Albus Dumbledore.<p>

2. Severus Snape is not Miss Hardbroom's ideal man. I am to stop insinuating as such or else I am likely to end up as a potion ingredient.

3. Suggesting Quiddich to Miss Drill and having it instituted as a school sport was not a very nice thing to do.

4. I may not make insinuations as to why witches are better on brooms than wizards

5. Even though we have rehearsed it diligently and Miss Bat thinks it's a wonderful idea 'A Wizards Staff Has a Knob on the End' is not an appropriate welcoming song. At all. Ever. (Even if the expressions on Miss Cackle and Miss Hardbroom's faces were hilarious when they first heard it).

6. I may not encourage Miss Bat in anything. Ever.

7. Agatha Cackle is not a Deatheater.

8. Not allowed to throw things at the first years during their broomstick practice. Not even to 'improve their balance'.

9. I am not to run up to Miss Hardbroom and glomp her in the middle of a lesson. Not even if I am paid to do so.

10. Not allowed to glomp anything.

11. My textbooks are to remain textbooks. I am not to hide magazines inside them.

12. Once that trick has been rumbled I am not to replace my normal magazine with some 'adult literature' and wait for Miss Hardbroom to notice.

13. Writing 'Five hundred times - I must complete my homework on time' is not what Miss Hardbroom asked for and I know it.

14. I may not create a magical duplicate of myself so I can skive off class.

15. While the roof is an exemplary hiding place I should probably remember that I am afraid of heights before hiding there. Miss Cackle, Miss Bat, Miss Drill and Miss Hardbroom have far better things to be doing than spending time coaxing me down off the roof.

16. There is no such thing as 'broomstick jousting'. I should neither claim there is nor try to invent it.

17. I am not allergic to Miss Hardbroom. I may not pretend I am.

18. If I scream every time a black cat crosses my path I will soon either lose my voice or have it removed.

19. Nothing from Monty Python is ever appropriate within the castle boundaries. Miss Hardbroom did not appreciate being pelted with cushions.

20. My broomstick is for riding in an elegant and ladylike way in the air. I am not to run around astride it yelling 'giddy up horsy' like a small child.

21. I may not make a potion backwards just to see what happens.

22. If I insist on asking Miss Hardbroom (or indeed any of the staff) 'where do babies come from' then I must be prepared for the consequences.

23. Miss Hardbroom can indeed still see and hear me, even if I can't see and hear her. So covering my eyes and shouting 'LALALALA' is not a good method for getting out of trouble.

24. I may not ask everyone where their towel is. Not everybody has read Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

25. Aforementioned book is not real. I may not convince Miss Bat (or any of the more gullible first years) that it is and that the earth is in imminent danger of being demolished.

26. The same goes for any of the Discworld books, the Necronomicon, the Chronicles of Narnia or any other book that I think of.

27. If I get to a classroom first the appropriate response is to take my seat sensibly. It is not to barricade the door and ask for the secret password.

28. I may not make a fort by stealing everybody's mattresses. Even if I invite them in.

29. Miss Hardbroom does not care that I brought enough sweets for everybody I am still not allowed to eat in lessons.

30. Bribing Miss Cackle with cake to get myself out of trouble is not an honourable thing to do.

31. It is unacceptable at any given time to ask Miss Hardbroom if she is hormonal.

32. It is unacceptable at any given time to ask Miss Drill if her basketballs have been over-inflated/deflated.

33. It is unacceptable at any given time to ask Miss Cackle if she's ever tried 'Weight Watchers' cheesecake.

34. It is unacceptable at any given time to ask Miss Bat if she's heard of 'cupboard love'.

35. It is unacceptable at any given time to ask Frank Blossom if his prized marrow has grown lately.

36. I am not to test out Miss Bat's assurances that the staffroom cupboard is, indeed, a comfortable place. As a senior member of the staff she is the only one allowed to lock herself in there.

37. Replacing Miss Cackle's cheesecake with Weightwatchers cheesecake was a horrible thing to do.

38. My tie is to be worn tied around my neck in the proper fashion. It is not a head band, a bracelet, a hair ribbon, an anklet, a garter, a shoelace, a choker, my shirt or anything else.

39. Miss Hardbroom will not melt when water is dumped on her. I am not to convince the first years of this.

40. Harry Potter spells are not real. I am not to tell first years they are.

41. I am not allowed to fake my own death with Avada Kedavra.

42. Even to get out of exams.

43. Even if I can, for the sake of the whole school's eardrums I should not offer to provide a guitar riff for Miss Crotchet's rock and roll chant. Especially if my inspirations are rock bands like AC/DC

44. If I take more than 10 seconds to come up with a reasonable explanation for something then I should resign myself to the fact that I will not be believed.

45. Despite the powers and the spiffy cloak I am not a superhero.

46. It is never appropriate to ask the Chief Wizard if has ever thought of using a razor.

47. Dancing on the tables is only to be done when Miss Bat is late for class and with no other members of staff, except Miss Drill when she's had too much G+T. (Gym and tonic.)

48. It must be noted that asking Miss Hardbroom for a bedtime story when she's on dorm duty is highly precarious, both for the pupil and storybook characters, depending on her state of temper: in one tale Snow White was fired by the dwarfs for driving them mad with her OCD, and in another Cinderella had athlete's foot and the shoe was destroyed by the CDC.

49. Mrs Tapioca is not to be insulted by asking if 'Pizza Day' can be changed to 'Pizza Hut Day'.

50. Jill Murphy is never to know of this site lest she gets huffy and takes it out on the Cackle's gang; we do enough of that already!

51. It is not permitted to put the cats' weekend catnip into the teachers' teapot - at least not unless a weekend.

52. I should not point out that there are only four members of the teaching staff - even though the staffing levels do not work out with regards to pupils.

53. When she comes out the Cupboard, I must not sing "Bat out of Hell" in Miss Bat's presence

54. Miss Drill is not a lesbian.

55. Neither is Miss Hardbroom.

56. After being told by Mildred that Miss Cackle keeps a dangerous object in a school, I shall not ask Miss Cackle if she has done "a Dumbledore"

57. Mrs Tapioca is not a member of the Raxacoricofallapatorius

58. Miss Hardbroom is not perverted just because she appears in girls bedrooms at night at random times

59. The Grand wizard must not be called The Demon Headmaster

60. Ethel Hallow is not a stuck up toffee nosed girl - and I must never say that in the hearing of a teacher

61. I am not to try and invent broom boarding. It will only lead to serious accidents.

62. Just because I am short does not make me a Hobbit. I am therefore not allowed six meals a day even if I provide the meals.

63. I am not to shrink Miss Hardbroom because 'it's rather hard to argue with somebody who is eight inches taller than you'.

64. Cackle's Academy does not need a 'Zombie Apocalypse Survival Plan'.

65. I am not to use my magical powers to try and bring dinosaurs back to life, no matter how cool it would be.

66. My lewd drawings of any of the members of staff should be burnt, not left lying around the school where said members of staff could find them.

67. I am under no circumstances to blackmail, bribe, coerce or otherwise allow Mildred Hubble to reproduce aforementioned lewd drawings in such a way that they will come off the page. The confused looks are not worth the punishment.

68. The level of trouble caused by Fenella Feverfew and Griselda Blackwood should be a warning to me. Not a standard to be surpassed.

69. A Velociraptor attack is not imminent. I may not insinuate it is.

70. There are no magic rituals performed skyclad. I will not tell first years there are.

71. I am not to ask Miss Hardbroom if Santa is real.

72. Even though I can do a really good ominous voice and roll my eyes back into my head (and froth at the mouth with a bit of sherbet) I do not have the gift of prophecy.

73. Running into the Great Hall during assembly and shouting 'Troll! Troll in the dungeons' will cause mass hysteria rather than the hysterical laughter I was aiming for.

74. Miss Hardbroom's hair is not tied up in such a way because 'it is full of secrets'. I am not to tell people this.

75. The Chief Wizard is neither Dumbledore nor Santa Clause (although he is capable of giving me a pony).

76. The Chief Wizard's beard is real; I do not need to tug on it to be sure.

77. Just because I am a witch does not mean I must have an evil laugh. In the event I have developed one I may not demonstrate it at every possible opportunity.

78. Even though they deserved it there is no such thing as the 'Castration Charm' and I should not tell any of the visiting wizards that there is.

79. Charming everyone else's potion tests to read 'Miss Hardbroom is sexy' was not a stroke of genius (although it nearly gave Miss Hardbroom a stroke)

80. When given a thousand word essay I am not to draw a picture with the caption 'A picture is worth a thousand words'.

81. When given a five thousand word essay on 'Why I should not cheek my teachers' the appropriate answer is not 'Because Miss Hardbroom said I shouldn't x 1000'.

82. The teachers - especially HB - do not appreciate hearing 'I'm scared. Can I sleep with you?' on stormy nights.

82a - Rule waved for Miss Cackle / Miss Hardbroom

83. I must not bewitch Griselda to sing "Fever" whenever Fenella walks into the room

84. I must not ask to ride Miss Drill's "Space hoppers"

85. I must not attempt to get my form mistress some "action"

86. Must not ask Mildred Hubble if she would like to "ride my broom"

87. Do not sit in the courtyard and read "Broom riding for dummies" during First year Flying lessons

88. Miss Hardbroom is not Rapunzel and will not let me climb up her hair

89. I will not attempt to buy better looking clothing using the school's discount (based on the fact that Cackle's appears to have personalised fleeces in the hiking trip episode

90. Must remember that Ruby's "care to pluck my cherry" is not an excuse for me and her to...

91. 'Nice pyjamas Miss' is not the appropriate response to Miss Hardbroom appearing in my room to tell me to go to sleep.

92. Screaming is also not an appropriate response.

93. Neither is Mace.

94. I am not to steal any wizard's staff.

95. Should I happen to perform the above rule I am not to make jokes about emasculation.

96. In fact all jokes about wizard's 'staffs' are totally and utterly verboten

97. Miss Hardbroom does not have the force. I should not tell her that she does (however her somewhat confused expression was amusing). Especially not in a Yoda voice.

98. I am not Yoda.

99. I am not to ask any of the staff about the ghosts in the castle

100. If, for some reason, a member of staff has chosen to tell me about the ghosts I should not suggest we call the Ghostbusters.

101. I am not to ask any of the staff (especially Miss Hardbroom) about the contents of their underwear drawer.

101a. I may also not make jokes about curtains and carpets. Because on the off chance the staff understand my references I am likely to end up turned into some inanimate object for the foreseeable future.

102. Despite the fact that I am technically beyond the reach of British law I am not allowed to magically print money for my own ends.

103. I am not allowed to hum 'Darth Vader's Theme' every time Miss Hardbroom enters the room.

104. Miss Hardbroom is not my evil overlord.

105. I will not speak in a Gollum voice.

106. I am not to mix the teacher's lunchtime drinks with large quantities of alcohol. I will not then stand outside the staff room with a camera in case anything should happen.

107. Attempting to blackmail any of my teachers with the knowledge and/or photos gained from breaking Rule 106 is not a very good idea.

108. I am not to spell Miss Hardbroom's hair into dreadlocks, ringlets and/or change its colour. What Miss Hardbroom does with her hair is her own business.

109. Likewise I am not to attempt to spell any of Miss Hardbroom's clothes into brighter colours. When asked if I did it I may not start a lecture about fashion in a lispy voice with camp hand gestures.

110. I will not wink at my teachers in a suggestive manner and promptly deny having done so.

111. Walking up to somebody, enquiring 'how do you keep a witch in suspense?' and walking off was only funny the first time.

112. I will not run up behind a teacher, smack them upside the head (with magical aid in the case of Miss Hardbroom) and yell 'you're it' before running off.

113. I am not allowed to 'boop' Miss Hardbroom's bun even if I can reach it.

114. I'm not allowed to glue my cat (or myself) to my broom in order to pass the Broomstick Aptitude Test.

115. I'm not allowed to follow around Miss Hardbroom with X-ray glasses to find out what she hides under her concealing dress.

116. Nor to spread rumours around the school that she has a cat tattoo with the word "naughty kitten" on her butt...

117. I'm not allowed to ask HB during night patrols to look under my bed to see if there are any monsters hiding, nor to pinpoint that "NOW there's one" when she accomplish.

118. I'm not to put whoopee cushion on the teachers' seat.

119. A two hour long lesson with Miss Hardbroom does not give me survivor syndrome.

120. I'm not to spellbind the Chief Wizard to ask Miss Bat (or worse Miss Hardbroom) to be his "Valentine" on February 14th.

121. I'm not to distribute photos of HB in a fairy costume when we go to visit Camelot College.

122. Filming HB during potion lesson with the excuse of producing the remake of the "Blair Witch Project" will not spare me from punishment.

123. I'm not to enrol Miss Bat in "Britain's Got Talent". In particular if there isn't a cupboard where she can hide after meeting Simon Cowell.

124. I must not tell Miss Cackle that her doctor called to say that she is allergic to dairy products.

125. Miss Hardbroom doesn't appreciate to be covered in green paint so that I can prove she's related to the Grinch.

126. I will not throw a secret birthday party for HB.

127. Pretend to be a Klingon when Miss Hardbroom is present will only lead to write lines.

128. As it will asking her if she's a Vulcan.

129. Suggesting to Miss Hardbroom that she's the love child of Minerva McGonagall and Severus Snape is NOT such a great idea.

130. When Miss Hardbroom asks me a question she expects me to answer in clear and proper English. I am not to answer in pig Latin, Elvish, Klingon, Na'vi or any other language.

131. The first years are scared of me already. I may not waggle my hands at them and shout nonsense words.

132. Potion class is for making potions. I am not to make cake instead.

133. Even outside lessons the potions lab is not to be used for baking, even if it does make the room smell nicer.

134. Miss Hardbroom does not 'just need a hug and a cookie'.

135. Neither does she need to get laid.

136. Just because I can deepthroat a banana does not mean I need to demonstrate it.

137. I am not to speculate on the ages of any of the members of staff. Especially not in front of them.

138. Miss Hardbroom does not want me plaiting her hair. Especially since I don't know how to plait.

139. I am not to appear in Miss Hardbroom's room in an attempt to give her a taste of her own medicine.

140. Miss Hardbroom is capable of smiling. It will not break her face. I should not tell first years this.

141. I am to steer my broom while my cat sits on the back. I am not to do the opposite.

142. I must not pry into the details of Miss Drill's romantic life with Serge. Just because she is marginally nicer than Miss Hardbroom does not make her my friend.

143. Despite having received a tidy sum in sponsorship/double-dare-you payments, I must not snog Miss Hardbroom on the last day of term.

144. I must persuade my older sister (now Cackle's alumni) to delete the footage she shot on her mobile of Miss Cackle and Miss Bat belting out Bonnie Tyler's "I Need a Hero" at the local pub's karaoke night last winter, before it ends up on YouTube.

145. When suffering from a WKD induced hangover, I must refrain from vomiting into the cauldrons during the morning's potions class. It's pretty much a sure-fire way of being rumbled.

146. The above particularly applies when a potion is already in-situ in the cauldron. Alcohol and magic do NOT mix.

147. I mustn't "cough" the name of "Broomhead" during exams just to relish in the momentary wince of panic than seems to seize Miss Hardbroom's being.

148. Despite the above, the rumour that Miss Hardbroom is covered in scars is false. She's just a frigid old boot.

149. I am not to superimpose the head of ANY member of staff onto the photo of a naked lady and send it into The Sun.

150. I am not allowed to "plank" anywhere on school premises, not even with the support of my broomstick.

151. I must not twist the end of my locks around my fingers whilst gazing in dewy-eyed wonderment at HB during a reprimand, however damned beautiful she is when she's angry.

152. I am not to slip adverts for Weight Watchers and Slimming World under Miss Cackle's office door, and then listen outside as she sobs her little heart out from inside.

153. Severus Snape is not the male version of Miss Hardbroom. Henrik Hanssen from Holby is.

154. Informing Miss Hardbroom of the above fact is futile and will only result in an expression of sheer puzzlement.

155. I must not ask Miss Drill if she has mastered *insert spell here* before saying, "Oh sorry Miss, you can't do magic, can you?" and skipping off down the corridor laughing.

156. Telling Miss Hardbroom that she needs to "CHILL OUT" or "loosen up" while getting detention from her again for messing up a new potion in class is not advised.

157. Also not advised to tell her that she needs to "get a life" while in said detention is not the smartest way to win her over. Along with a few lines "I must not tell my form mistress that she needs a life" over 1,500 time in perfect cursive.

158. Zoning out in Miss Cackle's spell class and then saying a Harry Potter spell is not bright. That will end in night detention with Miss Bat singing some new weird song while wishing that H.B. would make you clean the caldrons all night.

159. If all else fails win HB over with all the charm you have / can muster while she is staring you down like a naughty child.

160. I am not to spread rumours that Miss Hardbroom makes out with Severus Snape, Mr Hallow, The Grand Wizard, or Miss Drill in the potion lab, even if they are true.

161. I am not to eavesdrop on the staff's private conversations and tell the whole school what was said.

162. I am not to turn my cat into a monkey, Owl, Ferret, Dog, or any other animal.

163. I am not to experiment with Miss Bat's gramophone at 5am because if I do it again I will be put under special surveillance by Miss Hardbroom.

164. I am not to use Miss Hardbroom's wide-awake potion for personal (or any other) use.

165. I am not to lock Miss Bat's cupboard so she can't get in.

166. I am not to make Facebook pages for members of Staff, especially not ones with shrewd personal details on them.

167. I am not to keep Library Books in my room and make everyone else pay to use them, especially since those books were banned from student use.

168. I am not to give the Grand Wizard, Mr Hallow or anyone else love potions, even if it was entertaining watching them pursue Miss Hardbroom.

169. I am not allowed to materialize behind first years and Scare them with Miss Hardbroom's Voice. Only Miss Hardbroom is allowed to do that.

170. I am not to invite boys from Camelot College to 'sleepovers' in my room.

171. I am not to take advice from Fenella Feverfew and Griselda Blackwood; they are not a reliable source of information and are not to be listed as a reference on my assignments.

172. I am not to test spells, potions or anything else on the first years.

173. I am not to speculate about what is under Miss Hardbroom's dress.

174. Cakes and sweets are not a substitute for school dinners unless you're Miss Cackle.

175. I am not to sneak into Miss Cackle's office and take her phone calls or answer her mail.

176. I am not to sneak into Miss Hardbroom's office and take the answers for tomorrow's potion test.

177. Nor am I to sneak in after the test and change everyone's answers.

178. Or replace the answers with rude drawings.

179. I am not to suggest songs or anything else to Miss Bat. Following 'The Wizard's Staff has a Knob on the end' with "The Hedgehog Can't be Buggered at all' was not a good idea, even if it was very funny.

180. I am not to cast spells on Miss Hardbroom's hair. She does want it out, in pigtails, in an afro or any other style besides a bun.

181. I am not a teacher, I am not to pretend I am, and I am not to take classes or teach anyone anything, because drugging potions and lockpick spells are not part of the curriculum.

182. Cackle's Academy does not have 'non-school uniform days'. I should not attempt to instigate one.

183. In the unlikely event I manage too I should not expect the teachers to dress up in our school uniform.

184. Starting a betting book on whether any of the teachers have gotten laid is not nice. Especially if I do it anonymously so they don't know who to punish.

185. Should I decide to start such a book I should keep it quiet and under heavy guard. It should not accidentally find its way into a pile of fourth year's homework.

186. Even though we can get away with it, Chanting lessons are for chanting. They are not for playing poker, blackjack, any other card game or pool.

187. It is enough that we can get away with it in Chanting. Therefore I should not attempt to run a poker game in the back of my Potions lesson. Especially if it is strip poker.

188. When Miss Hardbroom discovers aforementioned illicit poker game I am to be contrite, apologise profusely and take my punishment. I am not to offer to deal Miss Hardbroom in. She does not want to play strip poker with me.

189. We value honesty at Cackle's Academy. Therefore I am not to hustle anybody at any form of game.

190. I am not to tell first years being punished to 'take it like a man'. Not only is that a massively gender-biased statement but it will confuse their fluffy little heads.

191. Just because I think it would be funny to see Miss Hardbroom on a rollercoaster ride does not give me the right to magically transport her (and somehow block her ability to transport herself away) onto one in the middle of a potions test.

192. I am not to take the whole class with me in the event of the above rule.

193. Should I be monumentally stupid enough to go through with breaking rule 191 my defence to Miss Cackle should not be 'but it was funny'. Producing photographic evidence of why it was funny is also frowned upon.

194. Transforming the first year's ties into live snakes was a cruel thing to do. Even if the snakes were non-poisonous, I turned them back after the fracas had started and I did it all to distract Miss Hardbroom so I could borrow some ingredients.

195. I am not to ask Miss Hardbroom about love potions, lust potions or how to make differently flavoured lube.

196. Despite the fact I may see it as my duty I am not to give the first years a talk on sexual education. I should not reference rule 136.

197. I should also not use the teachers as examples.

198. The appropriate response to Miss Hardbroom when she comes into my room to tell me 'lights out' it to put my lights out. I should not ask for a glass of water and a nightlight.

199. It is cruel for me to tease Ethel Hallow about being turned into a pig. It is especially cruel for me to do so by talking longingly and at length about the different sorts of meats they make from pigs.

200. I am not to tell Miss Bat that the Macarena is a chant.

201. I am not to give the teachers brownies made with a special extra ingredient. Mind-altering drugs and magic do not mix well.

202. Considering the amount of accidents that happen at Cackle's I should not speculate that witches can bounce when I know full well that that is untrue

203. I should not plan to test my hypothesis on one of the first years.

204. A paintball gun is not an essential piece of school equipment.

205. I may not replace my summer uniform with a bikini top and shorts.

206. Having a free hugs sign means that people may hug me. I may not hug people.

207. After having done 'Free Hugs' a couple of times I am not allowed to start charging.

208. I must never ask Miss Hardbroom if she was a teenager. It is clear that she never was, and therefore enquiring as to when she hit puberty is plain rude, as is asking her why she never left puberty and suffers from it endlessly, therefore making us suffer endlessly.

209. Miss Bat is the oldest member of staff. We must therefore act accordingly and show her all due respect. That means we never ask her why she and Cliff Richard split up in the Sixties (or Sexties as they are also known) and she ended up at Cackle's with obvious 'in the closet' issues.

210. We must remember at all times we came to Cackle's to learn how to be witches. We did not come to teach the witches (and Miss Drill, Mrs Tapioca and Mr Blossom) how to be 'extreme' and 'cool' and 'gifted' and 'sophisticated', not to mention 'sexy'.

211. Telling the Chief Wizard that Miss Hardbroom most desires a man to 'sweep her off her feet' is a sure-fire way to get him magically castrated should he attempt such an action and pick her up while she's still conscious.

212. However, if we knock her out, using Ethel as the fallgirl, the above can be applied before HB wakes up and Ethel escapes the under stairs cupboard.

213. The Cackle's inhabitants must always remember that NCD gets whacked out (make of that what you will) very quickly and therefore must wait for the rest from her, allowing others to step back into the breach.

214. Asking Miss Hardbroom that instead of Broomstick practice can she teach us how to play Quiddich is and never will be acceptable.

215. Neither is nicknaming Ethel Hallow the 'golden snitch'. No matter how true it may be

216. Switching Miss Bat's fruit salad for plastic fruits and then hiding to watch her reaction is not funny

217. Neither is jumping out of my hiding place and exclaiming ewww after she realises that they are in fact plastic, but continues to eat them anyway

218. Should I decide to try eating flowers and discover I like it I am not to snack on them in class.

219. I am not to eat the herbs picked specifically for potions.

220. I should not replace the potion ingredients with I.O.U notes.

221. I am not a robot. I should not do the robot constantly until Miss Hardbroom asks what's wrong with me.

222. I am not in slow motion.

223. Miss Hardbroom does not wish to be patronised.

224. Despite the fact that many of the staff would like to see me be silent for a day I am not a mime. I should not dress appropriately

225. I am not to stand perfectly still until a crowd forms around me (including teachers trying unfreezing spells) and then jump and go 'rah'.

226. First years are not required to genuflect to me.

227. I should not complain when Miss Cackle re-routes all complaint letters from the parents of the first years to me. Even if I am the cause of their children becoming massively cynical and untrusting of authority.

228. My seat in potions is one of the benches, not Miss Hardbroom's chair. Especially not on one of the days she chose to simply appear and ended up sitting in my lap.

229. I am not to persuade the rest of my years to do the Ministry of Funny Walks for a day. The rest of the school will join and I will get in serious trouble.

230. No matter how perfect my Cockney/Liverpudlian/Geordie/Irish/American/Australian/etc accent is I am not to speak in it during lessons. Or around Miss Hardbroom

231. Not allowed to make my teachers on The Sims and then kill them.

232. Not allowed to pretend to be a superspy.

233. Not allowed to call my teachers by their first names.

234. Not allowed to call my teachers by made up first names that I have arbitrarily given them.

235. Not allowed to rename first years either.

236. I should not, when a question is asked, jump up and down in my seat until asked to answer the question and then go 'I don't know'. If I do this repeatedly I should expect that my teachers will shortly stop picking me to answer questions (except Miss Bat, who doesn't seem to mind). I should not complain about this.

237. I do speak English. Miss Hardbroom knows full well I speak English. I can therefore not claim (in broken French/Italian/Spanish/German) that I do not (well I can but I cannot expect her to believe me).

238. I should not raise first year's expectations of what they will get to learn.

239. Despite evidence to the contrary Miss Hardbroom cannot read people's minds. I should not spread the rumour that she can.

240. Telling Miss Bat that drinking frogspawn will help her learn how to swim is neither nice nor true. It may be hilarious, but it is not worth Miss Hardbroom's punishment of being made to ingest moving 'tapioca' pudding.

241. My life is not a musical. I am not to randomly start singing.

242. I am not to enchant the rest of the castle to play along with my musical fantasy

243. I am not to introduce Miss Bat to fortune cookies. She does not realise they are not real.

244. Miss Bat does not understand the concept of innuendo. This does not mean everything I say to her has to be a double entendre.

245. Miss Hardbroom, on the other hand, understands innuendo perfectly well and will give me lines and detention should I try the above.

246. 'That's what she said' is not an appropriate addition to the end of every sentence.

247. I am not allowed to claim that it is simply a factual statement. Miss Cackle was not born yesterday.

248. Thriller is not an appropriate suggestion for a Halloween song.

249. Distilling any form of alcohol or illegal drug is not an appropriate third year project.

250. I am not to start a betting book as to who can get Miss Bat into the cupboard the most times in a term. Miss Hardbroom will win.

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><p><strong>And that's just the ones we've come up with so far. <strong>

**See you when we have some more and do come over to the forum.**

**PenAlt**


	2. Chapter 2: The Second 250

**Welcome once more to the list, again courtesy of The First Worst Witch Forum. **

**Contributors to this effort include myself, Princess Sammi, Nic Neptune, Pixel and Stephanie Forever, NextChristineDaae, typicalRAinbow, Starfleet Witch and Aleksandra Hardbroom. **

**As I said last chapter, this is an ongoing thing. So if you think it's funny (and I hope you do) and want to get involved, then head on over to the forum and contribute to 501-750 (well it's more like 530-750, 'cause we're still going). **

**Rated T for various inappropriate references, some minor swearing and references to sexuality. **

* * *

><p>251. I shall not start Miss Hardbroom's name trending on twitter on #NationalBitchDay.<p>

252. I shall not ask her that while she's allowed to be one that day, what is her excuse for every other one.

253. When Miss Hardbroom says 'No' she means it! So, I should not then go around the rest of the Staff Members asking them until I get an answer I am satisfied with.

254. While flying is defined as falling but missing the ground, I should not push my sworn enemy off the roof of the castle with the excuse I just wanted to test this theory.

255. I shall not challenge Miss Hardbroom to a staring competition. I will lose.

256. The Caramelldansen is inappropriate at all times. Even if I know all the words, managed to co-ordinate a large group of girls to do it and claimed it was a PE exercise.

257. When a member of staff asks me 'Do I look as if I was born yesterday?' they are asking a rhetorical question. My rather emphatic 'no' was not needed, nor was the laugh.

258. The books in the library are for reading (or not reading as the case may be). They are not appropriate materials to build things out of.

259. I am also not allowed to use one of the larger books as a surfboard to mimic Legolas' stunt from The Two Towers. Especially if Miss Hardbroom is at the bottom of the stairs.

260. Not allowed to attempt to make Green in the potions lab. Miss Hardbroom will not understand the Blackadder reference and will not appreciate the mess.

261. Not allowed to infuriate any of my teachers by pretending to be Baldrick from Blackadder.

262. Just because I have a potions test first thing does not give me the right to steal one of every pair of shoes in the castle just to cause chaos.

263. In fact if my motive for anything is 'just to cause chaos/anarchy/happy fun times' I should automatically not do it.

264. An appropriate use of Miss Drill's PE lessons is not building a tree house. No matter how awesome it was.

265. I may not make jokes about 'polishing one's broomstick'.

266. I am not allowed to teach first year's dirty jokes.

267. I am not to teach Miss Bat dirty jokes; she will only repeat them in the staffroom.

268. My response when Miss Hardbroom asks me anything should be an appropriate answer to whatever question she has asked me. It should not be 'I didn't do anything'.

269. If I answer 'You can prove nothing' to every question the teachers will eventually get a bit suspicious.

270. Cackle's does not have a movie night. I should not instigate one.

271. If you tell other students that the Grand Wizard "hangs lower" than other men, you must specify that you are talking about his beard.

272. When Miss Cackle says "you are what you eat", do not ask her how long she has been eating sour grapes and ugly fruit.

273. I shall not ask Mildred Hubble to bring the hot men (in my contraband gossip magazines) to life.

274. I shall not exclaim my disbelief at some point Miss Hardbroom has made by going 'Shuut up' in homage to the fabulous show The Only Way Is Essex (TOWIE). I will land myself in detention.

275. I shall then not try to defend myself by explaining the concept of TOWIE to her. She will be far from impressed and I may land myself in even more nights of detention.

276. I shall not enter her name in the Cackle's Secret Santa, I neither need nor want a lecture on why witches don't celebrate Christmas.

277. I will not make a list of possible things the initials H.B could stand for.

278. If I do, I will be sure to keep it very well hidden.

279. I shall not ask Miss Bat to look after my Invisibility Cloak for the day, hand her fresh air, and then berate her the next day for losing my cloak.

280. I am not to sneak into Miss Cackle's office and steal her cream cakes.

281. I am not to laugh when Miss Hardbroom refuses Miss Drill even when she "gets down on her knees and begs for it".

282. I am not to spread rumours about what was said either.

283. I am not to tell first years that if you take a boy back into your room, Miss Hardbroom will be there watching you.

284. I am not to dress up as Mistress Broomhead at Halloween and frighten the shit out of Miss Hardbroom.

285. I am not to materialise behind Miss Hardbroom and assume the voice of Mistress Broomhead, just to see her jump.

286. I am not to spread rumours or speculations on how Miss Drill knew that Chief Wizard Hellebore had a "crusty old windbag".

287. I am not to put permanent blonde hair bleach into Miss Hardbroom's shampoo.

288. I am not to stick chopsticks into Miss Hardbroom's bun (given I could reach), no matter how tempting that may be.

289. I am not to turn visitors to the school back into children, unless it provides evidence for blackmail.

290. Nobody is allowed to blackmail anybody.

290a. Except for Miss Cackle.

291. I am not to ask visiting wizards if I may feel their staff.

292. I am not to tell Algernon Rowan Webb that Chief Wizard Hellebore has a bigger knob on the end of his staff.

293. I am never to ask a Wizard to show me his wand.

294. I am not to entice first years to ask Miss Bat about her trip to Mongolia.

295. I am not to persuade Miss Bat to make Miss Cackle a batch cream buns using Yaks Milk as an ingredient.

296. I am not to change the bat designs on Miss Bat's cupboard to Hedgehog ones, just for kicks.

297. I am not allowed to use detention time to create lists of things I Must Not Do At Cackle's Academy.

298. Telling HB that she 'looks good in black' just is not as funny as it sounds and I must always remember this, especially after the fifteenth time.

299. The entire class waving their hands high in the air and yelling 'PICK ME! PICK ME! PICK ME!' when HB asks for a volunteer is not amusing to her, just as the entire class keeping silent when either Miss Bat or Miss Drill asks the same is un-amusing to them.

300. Never should a conversation towards Mr Blossom begin, "Well, to be perfectly frank, Frank..."

301. I must not replace Miss Hardbroom's coffee with a quadruple espresso, not matter how tired she looks. I know full well that her WAP is not made from caffeine and should not therefore assume it will simply give her an additional 'nice warm buzz'. Regardless of how much she appears to need a 'good buzzing'.

302. I am not to put voice-changing potions into teachers' drinks.

303. I am not to put voice-changing potion into the school dinners.

304. I am not to put itching powder into Miss Hardbroom's, or any other teacher's underwear.

305. I am not to ask the Grand Wizard if he's Gandalf.

306. I am not to take Miss Hardbroom literally when she says do not back answer. Even though I knew what she meant.

307. I am not to sleep in, and when Miss Hardbroom comes into my room to chastise me for missing her class tell her that it's National Duvet Day.

308. I cannot say Merlin's Beard as he doesn't have one.

309. I may not tell Ethel that boiling Mildred "Hubble Bubble" Hubble is not real, and that it is from a book

310. I am not to suggest to Agatha Cackle to go into Cosie's and pretend to be Miss Cackle, just to raise her tab.

311. I am not to ask Miss Hardbroom about getting a Nimbus 2000 for the broomstick flying test.

312. I am not to ask Miss Hardbroom if playing Quiddich could replace the broomstick aptitude test.

313. I must not make these rules so damn addictive because it detracts FF writers from concentrating on their own stories due to the constant hilarity being produced from all those involved.

314. I will read the new ones coming through so that NCD can get her breath back!

315. I must not create a series of books about Mildred Hubble entitled The Worst Witch.

316. I must not say to first years that Miss Hardbroom's "lady area" has healed due to a lack of use.

317. I must warn visiting Wizards that it's futile looking up Miss Hardbroom's dress, as the cobwebs block anything from being seen.

317a. Also she will turn you into some form of amoeba.

318. I must not insist to HB that I have an imaginary friend who is responsible for any bad behaviour. Even if Miss Bat believes me.

319. I must not swap Miss Bat's late-night cocoa for Red Bull under any circumstances. Except tornado/earthquake/alien invasion.

320. I must not send HB love letters.

320a. Sending love letters to Miss Cackle is fine.

321. I must not organise strikes at the local Cheesecake factory during term times.

321a. Especially when Hecketty Broomhead is visiting.

322. I must not have improper dreams about Miss Cackle in a bikini.

323. When Miss Hardbroom threatens to make me clean the potions lab, including all the cauldrons, with a toothbrush. I must not ask her if I can use a broomstick for speed.

324. Rule 322 also applies to Miss Bat AND Mr Blossom.

325. I must not edit internet posts just so it grabs people's attentions.

326. Neither may I double post.

327. I am not to serenade Miss Hardbroom at any point.

328. Not allowed to sneak boys in just to scandalise Miss Hardbroom.

329. Not even if the boys cross-dress.

330. Not allowed to pet any of my teachers.

331. I should not make jokes about stroking pussycats.

332. When I am asked to remove my headphones the appropriate response is to remove them, not to go 'hold on, there's a bit I really like in a minute'.

333. Air guitar is never appropriate

334. Neither are songs by the Bloodhound Gang. Especially The Bad Touch and Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo.

335. I am not to enter a competition to see who can get Miss Hardbroom to blush first.

336. Not allowed to replace Miss Hardbroom's wide-awake potion with a sleeping draught.

337. Not even to get out of a test.

338. I should stop asking Miss Hardbroom if there really is such a thing as Polyjuice Potion.

339. Upon being told there isn't I should not make that my third year project. Miss Cackle is well aware of the fact I would massively misuse any Polyjuice potion and am likely to cause death, serious injury or large explosions during its creation.

340. If I see Miss Hardbroom with her umbrella I am not to ask her to perform a 'Mary Poppins'.

341. Not allowed to juggle potions bottles. Especially if I can't juggle.

342. I am not to win a 'see how many sweets we can smuggle past HB' contest by dobbing the other participants in. Or even getting Ethel to.

343. Invisibility potion is not to be misused. There is a reason why I am not allowed near it.

344. If I sugar crash during a potions lesson that is my own fault and Miss Hardbroom will not be sympathetic.

345. Not allowed to celebrate National Dress like a Pirate Day, Talk like a Pirate Day, Goof-Off Day, Fly a Kite Day, Play God Day, Ask a Stupid Question Day (although Miss Hardbroom said that that was every day around Cackle's), Punk for a Day Day, Start your own Country Day, Jousting Tournament Day, Party Pooper Recognition Day, One-Eyed-One-Horned-Flying-Purple-People-Eater Day, Squirrel Appreciation Day, Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day, Blame Someone Else Day, Make up your own Holiday Day or any other holiday which Miss Hardbroom deems 'inane'.

346. Not allowed to convince the first years that I have a One-Eyed-One-Horned-Flying-Purple-People-Eater.

347. I will not sneak into the Staffroom, borrow Miss Hardbroom's magic mirror with the intention of finding out who is the fairest of them all, and then smash it upon finding out it's not me. I will end up with 7 years bad luck, and that's _**before**_ HB finds out.

348. If my tooth falls out I will not tell Miss Hardbroom and then suggest that when she comes to my room to deliver the money, she recycles her fairy costume from the Christmas pantomime.

349. I will not tell Miss Drill that I can't play in the netball tournament in case I break a nail.

350. I will not hum the Worzel Gummidge theme tune every time Miss Bat walks past.

351. I will not copy scenes from films. Miss Hardbroom was not at all amused when she found me trying to boil a rabbit in a cauldron. Nor was Miss Tapioca, who huffily said I was putting her out of a job.

352. I must create a topic entitled Things I AM Allowed To Do At Cackle's just to annoy Miss Hardbroom.

353. I must not refer to any staffroom disagreements as a "lover's tiff".

354. Even if Miss Hardbroom's sudden appearance surprises me, that is no excuse for shrieks, swearing and firing off hexes although startled gasps are acceptable.

355. There is no rule 355; it is only to serve as a reminder to obey the rest of the rules.

356. I must not pretend I'm at Cackles as part of a witness protection program.

357. I must not suggest that Miss Hardbroom should have a bell installed so you know when she is about to appear.

358. The episode Pig in a Poke is not about Ethel Hallow having sex, and I should not tell the first years this.

359. I must not challenge Miss Bat to a Dance off. I won't win.

359a. Same applies to challenging Miss Drill to a physical challenge, (including but not restricted to; handstand contests, shooting hoops and who can swim the lake fastest). I won't win fairly and using magic or any form of cheating is unsporting.

360. I will not challenge Miss Cackle to a cake eating contest. I will lose the contest (and gain weight).

360a. If I do the above, I will not have some sort of dog/animal hiding under the table, whom I can feed pieces of cake to, in an attempt to finish faster.

361. Neither am I allowed to challenge Miss Drill to Clay Pigeon shooting, as guns are not allowed at Cackle's.

362. I must not point out to Miss Hardbroom that although she dislikes modern technology, she had no issues with travelling on a bus, nor to the fact another school's team drove into the courtyard in a Mercedes Benz Plaxton Solo. (Thanks go to our resident bus geek).

363. I am not to eat Miss Bat's cooking, even if it is to get out of a test.

364. I am not to put mistletoe right outside the staffroom door, even if Miss Dill and Miss Hardbroom do sometimes fight to get out the door.

365. And even if I do, I'm not to be standing around with a camera.

366. Asking Miss Hardbroom if she acquired her teaching methods from Professor Snape is not a nice thing to do.

367. Asking Miss Cackle if she is related to Professor Flitwick is not a nice thing to do.

368. I will never shorten pussycat to just pussy. Asking Miss Hardbroom "how's your pussy?" may be seen as too personal a question.

369. I will not ask Miss Cackle if she was a cat in her past life, even though she has a fetish for dairy products.

370. I will not ask Miss Cackle how old she is. It's not nice to make the staff cry.

371. I am never to lock Miss Bat inside her cupboard, even if we are studying Mongolian chanting.

372. I am not tell the first years that Miss Hardbroom dresses in really tight, sometimes leather dresses because she is a dominatrix.

373. I am not to encourage Miss Bat to learn the drums.

374. I am not to tell Miss Bat that Chief Wizard Hellebore is Albus Dumbledore.

375. Just because Drusilla was injured by a splinter from Hellebore's staff, I may not go round saying she was penetrated by a big black rod.

375. I am not to spread rumours that Miss Bat has to "come out of the closet".

376. I may not visit Cosie's to pick up Miss Cackle's "emergency cheesecake".

377. I must not tell the staff that they are lonely after pointing out MRS Tapioca is the only married person on staff.

378. I am not to remind Mrs. Tapioca of her failed marriage by pointing out that she spends most of the months of the year away from her husband.

379. I am not to spread rumours of Mrs. Tapioca's and Mr. Blossom's having an affair - even if he always has his tools out in the dungeons.

380. When Miss Hardbroom says "she'll hit the roof", I'm not to remind her of that incident with Ethel's drink.

381. I must not shout out to others across the courtyard, even if two girls land and seemingly walk into a wall.

382. I am not to refer to Coach Pike as Pike the dyke, nor am I to speculate which, if any, of the Haversham heavies was actually a boy and on steroids.

383. I am in no way shape or form to attempt to attach a broomstick to either Miss Drill's bike or Mr Blossom's motorcycle. Even if it would be cool.

384. I will refrain from fixing these alternative (bright, lurid, glittery pink, yellow and blue) signs on the doors of the following places: Entrance - 'Welcome to Hell - Please make yourself at home in the dungeons'; Staffroom - 'Virgins' Hideaway (Except I. Drill)'; Stationery Cupboard - 'Narnia'; Potions Lab - 'The Chokey'; Miss Cackle's Office - 'HB's Stomping Ground'; Great Hall - 'Indoor Funfair'; Classroom 1 - 'Junior Disco'; Classroom 2 - 'Fifth-years' Bar/Club/Broomstick-dancing joint'; Broom shed - 'Smoking Room/Snogging Base (For pupils or staff - not both at same time or together)'; Greenhouse - 'Weed Hut'; Courtyard - 'Landing Strip'; Walkers' Gate - 'Escape Hatch'; Cosie's - 'Amelia's Teashop'; Local Random Bloke Who Got in Way of Staple Gun - 'Bleeping Bleeping Bleep!'.

385. I do not require a backup group.

386. I should not try out dragon taming tricks I learnt from 'How to train your dragon' on the Dragonlord threatening my class.

387. If I start a sentence with 'look, just trust me' I should be aware of how few people will consequently trust me.

388. I am not a zombie. I am therefore not to communicate solely by the use of the word 'brains'.

389. Even though it looked really realistic I am not to fake a serious injury using costume makeup.

390. I am not to chart Miss Hardbroom's moods over a month to try and figure out when she's at her worst.

391. I am not to sell this chart to other pupils so they know when the best time not to irritate HB is.

392. Vampires do not exist. I should not tell first years they do.

393. Miss Hardbroom is not a vampire. I am therefore not able to ward her off with holy water and a cross.

394. Gullible is not written on the ceiling.

395. Neither has it been removed from the dictionary.

396. Not allowed to have a dance battle in the main courtyard.

397. Not allowed to speculate on the kinky uses of various potions or spells.

398. I am not allowed to enchant ominous Latin music to play every time I walk into a room.

399. Animagus' do not exist. I do not have the animagus form of a ninja which is why you can't see me change.

400. I must not shout fire during potion lessons.

401. On HB's birthday, I shall never again slide up to her and say "Hey Babes, how's you today?"

402. The Little Mermaid is not a film about chanting, and I shall not tell Miss Bat this.

403. Jedi Knight is not allowed to be on my religion section on my application forms.

404. I will not get upset when people do not leave reviewing marks for stories.

405. I cannot claim I have Tourettes, unless I (^*$&^$^$ monkey &(%^*$$*()^ dolphin lover &*(^(^%^%)^&()^ god damned have it!

406. I am not allowed to have an Enid and Mildred shrine in my room.

406a. Neither my I come up with ways to kidnap them.

407. Despite the fact she is, I must not refer to Miss Cackle as 'Sex on legs'.

407a. And I cannot ask her to punish me as I've been very, very naughty indeed.

408. The fact that Ethel and Drusilla may be in a relationship does not entitle me to comment that "Ethel is running in and out of Drusilla's paddock."

409. I must not point out that Cackle's has a worse safety record then Hogwarts does regarding attacks on the school.

410. I must not follow Mr Blossom around when he's in his anti-fungus hunting spray gear singing the ghost busters theme.

411. Midsomer Murders is not real and I must not insist that Miss Hardbroom is on the run for Causton CID.

411a. It's also very rude to spread rumours she's murdered someone, especially, as she pointed out "with something as silly as a pair tights, of all things!".

411b. It's also very very rude to insinuate she was wearing them at the time.

412. I must not suggest to Miss Hardbroom she should give up Wide-Awake Potion for lent.

412a. I must not attempt to make this happen, by stealing all her bottles and selling them on EBay.

412b Nor shall I hide all the necessary ingredients she will need to make some more

413. Ask Miss Hardbroom in a Belfast accent 'See you wee girl will you see my mate' (I don't know if people do this outside Northern Ireland. If not ignore it).

414: I must never replace the birds in Mistress Broomhead's clocks with bats.

415: Nor should I rig them to go off when she walks past... No matter how much extra credit Miss Hardbroom 'promises' to give you to do so.

416: I am not to tell the lower years that Miss Hardbroom's 'Appear from thin air' trick is really the transporters from the star ship Enterprise, Voyager, Prometheus or any other Federation ship. Miss Hardbroom does not enjoy being followed around by trekkies who continuously salute her with 'Live long and prosper' without knowing why.

416a: I'm also not to tell the lower years that the technology for transport is really hidden in her bedroom despite her demeanour as a person suffering from cyber-phobia. She does not appreciate people dressed as Klingons infiltrating her room at night.

417: I am not to ask Miss Hardbroom if she was a punk rocker as a teenager when she casts a spell.

418: I must refrain from insinuating that Miss Cackle pays her cream cake bills by Ebaying all the things Miss Hardbroom puffifies.

419: Under no circumstances are you to gather cat fur throughout the year then spread it around Miss Drill's room on the last day of term. Let no one tell you otherwise, you CAN be expelled on your last day of school.

420: I am not to threaten Miss Drill with my cat just to get out of cross country.

421. I am not to threaten Miss Drill with HB just to get out of cross-country.

422: I must not start a rebellion against Miss Hardbroom then say it was Miss Bat's idea, even if it was. An angry HB is preferable to a hysterical Miss Bat according to Miss Cackle as 'a hysterical Miss Bat still leads to an angry Miss Hardbroom.'

423: I should refrain from rigging Miss Hardbroom's broom to act like Mildred's Banana broom 'Just to prove a point'.

424: If I am aware of a bucket of Mrs Tapioca's finest 'wall paper paste' pudding being placed above the potion lab door, I am to tell the staff NOT watch to see if its victim is Miss Hardbroom so that I can get out of class, even if it wasn't me who put it there.

425: Asking Miss Hardbroom if she is related to Kate Duchene may lead to confusion.

425a: As will asking Enid if she has a cousin with the surname of Fox.

426: I cannot predict the future so should stop pretending I can. That said, number four hundred and sixty two of Things I am not allowed to do at Cackle's Academy makes hilarious reading.

427. I will not nominate Miss Hardbroom as a contender for 'rear of the year'.

428: When given 500 lines by Miss Hardbroom I am not to write one line and put x500 beside it then tell the first years it works.

429. I'm not to mention the royal wedding to Miss Bat. Nor for the good for school am I to explain to anyone why.

430. Encouraging Charlie Blossom to tie a lasso my broomstick and ride his skateboard about the courtyard. Particularly during Guild inspections.

431. I will not ask Miss Hardbroom if she adopted some of her style senses from Siouxsie Sioux.

432. I will not tell first years that spiders jump from Miss Hardbroom onto bold students. Just because she has cobwebs "down there" ;) doesn't mean that spiders live there.

433. I will not spread rumours that Cackle's doesn't have a sex education programme just because none of the teachers have had any and don't know how to teach it.

434. When a Witch asks for a "stiff one", I must understand that they mean a drink, and not let my dirty imagination conjure up strange ideas.

435. When Miss Cackle says to Chief Wizard Hellebore, "I love it when you come." I must not twist their words and blackmail them.

436 I am not to tell Miss Drill that I am unable to participate in her cross country run, which involves running past the local duck pond, but that I will instead wait for the rest of the class in the Crow Bar and buy them all a drink afterwards 'for being such good sports'.

436a Nor tell her after the drinks have been consumed, that I have no money and she has to pick up the tab.

437: When Egbert Hellebore asks to be in the play I must refrain from suggesting 'The Rocky Horror' as a theme.

437a: In the even we get away with this theme I must not insist Hellebore should play Dr Frank-N-Furter lest The Worst Witch be cancelled.

437b: Most importantly I must refrain from cutting up HB's dress with the excuse that 'she has the legs for Magenta'.

438. Not allowed to smoke in the potions lab and then claim I made the wrong potion.

438a. Neither am I allowed to claim I had a miniature campfire.

439. Not allowed to roast marshmallows and make s'mores using the fires in the potions lab.

440. Not even if I offer Miss Hardbroom one.

441. When Miss Drill takes us on one of her long cross-country runs I am not to take a tent, set up camp halfway through the run and then claim I will complete it tomorrow. I am especially not allowed to make a campfire and then tempt other girls to join me with crumpets and marshmallows.

442. Not allowed to yell 'BAMF' every time Miss Hardbroom appears or disappears.

443. When Miss Hardbroom asks me why I am doing the above I am not to spend three hours explaining the various X-men comics' plotlines.

444. I am not to make red-coloured icing and then claim I am eating blood. I will scare the first years.

445. Not allowed to have fake-blood fights.

446. I may not declare somebody my nemesis.

447. Neither may I start a blood feud with anybody.

448. My essays are to be turned in in plain English (although grammar is optional). They are not to be turned in in any form of code, especially if I don't deign to give a key to it.

449. I am not to speak in rhyme all day, although it did make Miss Bat rather happy.

450. A tiger is not 'just a big kittycat', it is a dangerous animal. I am not allowed to have one.

451. No matter how cool it might me I am not allowed to attempt to crossbreed cats with small dragons.

452. I shall tell HB the fact she told a blatant lie to Miss Cackle after the Halloween disaster - Miss Hardbroom did NOT pick Mildred, it was luck of the draw.

453. Mildred Hubble does not have a "Victory Theme" for use whenever she gets something correct the first time.

454. And I shall not tell HB that she owes Millie at least two life debts after Mildred saved her life twice at the least.

455. I am not to take chunks out chair and table legs to make them wobble and/or collapse. Particularly my teachers chair.

455a. Nor am I to take the inspiration from the Twits and adding inches of wood bit by bit to my teachers chair.

456. In fact I am not to take inspiration from any Roald Dahl books in anyway shape or form.

457. I am not allowed to tell Miss Bat that she is growing shorter, just because first years seem taller every year.

458. I am not allowed to tell first years that Miss Bat is really called Miss Flat, just because of her singing.

459. I am not allowed to tell Miss Bat that the Boogeyman really exists.

460. I am not to encourage Miss Bat to watch horror movies. We all know it won't end well.

461: In the event that miss bat takes her name seriously and begins hanging from the roof, I am to walk on politely until she deigns to come down. NOT poke her with a stick to 'see if she could see it coming'.

461a: Nor am I to join her when she screams at the walls with her eyes closed when walking through the hallways.

461b: Especially not a night.

461c: Especially not in the teacher's dorm on HB's night off.

462. I shall not tell the First Years that Enid is Justin Bieber in drag.

463. Nor is she Rebecca Black in disguise.

464. I am not to listen to Justin Bieber as it results in immediate expulsion.

464a: This doesn't apply to older years, as they have taste in music. But I must not encourage first years to listen to him.

465. I am not to imply to the first years that Justin Bieber is a lesbian squirrel.

466. I am not to spread rumours that Justin Bieber's real name is "Justine Bieber".

467. I am never to introduce Davina Bat and Lavinia Crotchet.

468. I am not to point out to Miss Hardbroom that the only joke she ever made in her life, ever, wasn't viewed as funny.

469. I am not to tell the first years that Miss Hardbroom has dyed hair.

470. I am not to write: "I love pom" on exam papers, as it's very likely Miss Hardbroom will misread it.

471. I am not to tell first years that Miss Hardbroom turns first years into frogs. It's not nice to make them think she's nicer than she is.

472. I am not to fly over walker's gate on the occasion that I am late for school.

472a. Unless I'm Ethel Hallow.

473. I must not bring in disco equipment to Cackle's (even if HB is fully capable of working such stuff without any prior training at all).

474. I must not engage in editing my posts on forums so that everyone else must then add 1 to their numbered items!

475. I am responsible for my own mistakes. If questioned I am not to simply shrug my shoulders and blame any of the following "Torchwood," "Nanny Ogg" "the CIA" "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named", "The Joker", "Dumbledore", "the government". Nor Mildred or Fenny and Gris unless they are directly involved.

476. The sentence "That information is classified" is banned from when talking to a teacher, nor must I insist a lawyer be present when I am sent to speak to Miss Cackle.

477. I must not turn Miss Hardbroom into a child, which will lead to bruised knees and detention for the rest of the year. Even though she is cute as a button in a little Victorian dress.

477 a. and over 10,000 lines of "I must not change my form mistress into a child and laugh at her."

477 b. Having a photo of Miss Hardbroom as a child and using it as blackmail might work. If there are a lot of copies of it! And in colour too.

478. Telling Miss Drill that Miss Hardbroom has excused me from running. Because of potions work & problem with that is Miss Hardbroom sees everything. (And the staff room window looks out onto the court yard)

479. I am not to come up with odd mannerisms on set unless the director/producer/script writers agree beforehand.

480. Miss Hardbroom saying she wants the naked truth from me does not entitle me to strip off all of my clothes. Mr Blossom has only just got over that heart attack after all...

481. Russell Howard is a very silly man and I am not to follow though his idea of leaping out of cupboards, wardrobes or store rooms dressed as a lion.

482. Especially store rooms which lock from the outside.

483. I shall not use the phrase "Bat Shit Crazy" within Miss Bat's hearing.

484. Ruby Cherrytree's inventions cause enough trouble without me challenging her to build things or add bits on.

484a. Tampering with them is also NOT an option. Even if I (think I) know what I'm doing.

485. I shall not sing Paul McCartney's The Frog Chorus whenever Rowan-Webb is nearby

486. I am not to ask Miss Bat can we learn "Cradle of Filth" songs in chanting, as awesome as it would be, it may cause more damage to the school than Mongolian chanting.

487. I am not to leave trails of flowers around the school for Miss Bat to follow and eat, even if it is the "Yak's Milk Tasting Ceremony" that's planned for that lesson.

488. I am not to replace milk in the staffroom with "Yaks Milk".

489. I am not to encourage staff members to tell Miss Drill she can't sit with them because she isn't wearing black and it's a Monday.

487. I must convert to Judaism simply to get out of lessons on a Friday (no disrespect meant, but I actually knew someone at high school who did this just to do so!).

490. HB stands for Hardbroom, not a type of pencil.

492. I must not fantasise about members of staff. Miss Cackle is too good for me, and I know it.

493. Miss Bat was not the subject of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

494. I should not skip numbers in a list.

491. Or add them later on to ensure continuity.

495. Just because I can speak Latin does not make me better than anybody else.

496. Irish Snap is violent enough without magic; if I insist on playing such a puerile game I should not introduce magic.

497. In fact I may not introduce magic to any card games.

498. I may also not use magic to cheat at said card games.

499. Just because I won a few games of El Presidente does not mean I am actually the president of the school.

499a. We should probably explain to Miss Bat that Syphilis and Gonorrhoea are part of the aforementioned card game we are playing. I do not actually have syphilis.

500. Not allowed to quote from Catullus. Especially if I do it in English.

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><p><strong>See you next time with some more. <strong>

**PenAlt**


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